Drunk Dial

Julissa picks up the phone to make a phone call, it rings and then it goes to voicemail after a few rings. Julissa is pacing back and forth speaking heavily with her hands as she leaves this long voicemail on her on and off girlfriend Ashley’s phone. She’s drunk, swaying back and forth as she leaves the voicemail. She appears distraught, hair tousled, and unwsure of what her next action should be.

Julissa:

I’m such a damn idiot. For still trying. Clearly, you told me what you wanted and I am the one still sitting here leaving voicemails on your phone as if I don’t already have all the answers. Rebecca took me out tonight, i’m probably a little drunk which means I probably shouldn’t come home. Should I come home? I don’t know… This is the 5th time i’ve called you, where are you? Why aren’t you answering? Why cant you be here for me when I need you?  We all know what happened the last time I was drunk around you. Maybe I just shouldn’t come home. *sighs* Part of me knew it was coming to this the 3rd time that you decided to put your hands on me even though I was completely drunk out of my mind and hardly could even remember any of it. Part of me is glad I can’t remember it? But maybe if I remembered you banging my head against the car window, I wouldn’t be doing this. I wouldn’t be calling you, I would know not to go home. Hearing you describe all the things that you did to me in the back of the cab that night going home should have been enough for me to walk into the house, pack my things and leave. I can’t tell you why I didn’t. Maybe I can? Maybe I loved you so much that I didn’t leave anything for myself. I don’t even realize the point at which not only did I lose myself but I think, I think I lost my dignity, I lost my value that night as I followed you around crying in the streets begging you to just talk to me so we could work this out begging you to forgive me begging you to just look at me. You told me what you wanted and I waited around for you to change your mind. You made me feel insane. But that’s my fault too? Isn’t it? Giving me something to hold onto and ripping it right from underneath me in the same breath. I should have just left, that night at the party I wasn’t giving him my number, I swear, I wasn’t flirting with him at all. Sometimes I forget that i’m such a likeable person I didn’t mean to make him smile at me and laugh at what I was saying. I was just being me. and when I put myself in a position to mingle I naturally find myself surrounded by people that enjoy talking to me, I can’t help that. You were watching like a hawk from across the room and I felt like my days were numbered by the look in your eyes but I guess the 6 drinks in my system decided to say FUCK YOU and I kept talking, I kept mingling because —

Voicemail time is up. Julissa calls back, more annoyed than before

I kept mingling because, because I remembered for a moment that I am so much fun and I spent so long pushing everything that is great deep inside of me and acting like I was a bitch so that you could never feel insecure, so you would never feel threatened by anyone else. You were so scared to lose me, you would say that I’m too smart for you and I’m gonna find someone to hold all the intellectual conversations that you hated having with me and I was gonna find someone to drag to the art and poetry shows I loved going to, so I cut a part of myself off from the world so that nobody would ever try to cross any lines if they couldnt see who I am enough to try. I love you so much and I should leave you alone. I really fucking should. I shouldn’t keep begging you to come back, begging for your attention, begging for anything. You told me what you wanted but your actions gave me enough to keep trying. Still gives me enough some days. I feel crazy. Am I crazy? I know this is not you, The person that you become when you hit me… It only happened 3 times, we can get control of it, we can go to therapy, we can make it work, I know we can. I know, I pushed you. I should have left you alone, I shouldn’t have kept trying when you were clearly telling me that you were done. Im sorry, I don’t know why I am like this, I can’t explain it I just know that you fill me with this feeling of desperation. Like i’m so afraid to make you mad, to lose you and I can feel you slipping through my fingers and I can’t help but to react. I know that’s the only reason that you hit me. I know it’s not you, you’re not a monster, I know you I love you and I know that this isn’t us. I know that we can come back from this? But do you want to? Can we try. I don’t know if you’ll even listen to this

message, I don’t even know why I bother anymore. I just know I love you. I can’t lose you, I just can’t. Please, just call me back.